This is the way it should be! This is football.

Three teams in the Cage of Dreams: all Covid-aware, temperature-tested, track-and-traced and sanitised to within an inch of their lives. Hastings 1066 Walking Football is making a good fist of the club getting off the ground.

All players – members and guests – covered by public liability insurance and ready for competitive but fair footie in front of a passing crowd at Alexandra Park.

It was a morning for goalkeepers: Big H and Germy Jeremy for the yellows, and The Cat for the Blues. The Cat kept four clean sheets and with the help of Pistol Pete and Enormous Ian managed a 90-minute shut-out. Big H saved his best for a magnificent triple save effort to keep his side in contention and Germy pulled off a string of great saves over his three matches until he simply ran out of puff and subbed Howard into goal. He even managed a penalty stop from a ludicrous effort from the Cat.

Paul Hutton scored a superb brace to give the Blues one of their victories and Enormous Ian finally sent H the wrong way to give them their only other win of the session. Puffing Paul blocked at least four shots on goal with his ample calves and terrifying backside – two of them from his own son.

Scouse Phil scored a beauty in their 3-nil demolition of the yellows but the main strikers Oh My Cod!, Charley Farley and the Iranian Assassin all left their shooting boots at home. New Hugh demonstrated his keenness to play by coming with a strain on his shoulder which meant he had to keep his hand in his pocket. At least that’s what he said. (Injured three weeks ago picking up his dog, again we only have his word for this.) It restricted his normally sure fire shooting but he had a good outing and as usual Granite Bob and Mad Magaret got all over the pitch and made it difficult for their opponents. Keegan played in defence and did well also linking with Big H.

Not a single word of dissent, not a moment of displeasure. Just what it says on the tin….walking football.

MoM: Germy and Puffing Paul Hutton.