Saturday was a red letter day for the Iranian Assassin, Medhi Hoss, who is 67. Not only did he score a superb hat-trick in the Cage of Dreams without once losing his memorable temper, he also announced that his only son had become engaged to his girlfriend, thus paving the way for the patter of tiny football boots.

Mehdi is desperate to be a grandfather which surprised his team mates because they assumed – given his advanced age – he already was. Some nights in Alexandra park, Mehdi couldn’t hit a mosque door at 20 paces but this morning he had his shooting boots on. He only had four shots against The Cat and scored every time with slide-rule precision, only to have his best effort disallowed for a refereeing mistake while Mad Margaret was tying her errant laces.

Deadeye Med’s Blueberry team was, on paper, the best of the day combining the shooting skills of Oh My Cod! and New Hugh (recovering well from his shoulder injury) and the rock-like defensive ability of Enormous Ian. But oddly they didn’t fire on all cylinders and were run close by the Wine Gums and the Lemons on most games. Ali from the chip shop was bettered three times by the Cat who pulled off great saves but eventually struck with a brilliant brace which battered the ball home.

In goal for the Blues, resurgent former couch potato Germy pulled off save after save to keep his side in it. The Lemons were marshalled by Scouse Phil – about to lose a tenner on a rash bet covering the result of the Merseyside derby – and should have been hammered out of site but were never overhauled. Charlie scored a simple tap-in after Enormous Ian stubbed his big toe while back-passing and the Chairman took his chances well to keep the Lemons in the tournament.

For the Wine Gums Pistol Polish Pete – who plays better in the dry – turned in another faultless performance at the back and even scored his team’s solitary goal. Margaret slinked her socks off getting all over the pitch and spurned a couple of difficult chances but was reliable throughout and well deserved not to be picked last. And Granite Bob had a good outing, robbing a few players of the ball and finding space at the back.

The session was played in the best of moods and spirit and the football was, at times, simply sublime. But the morning belonged to Medhi. Hearty congratulations from the Club to him on his good news.

MoM: Mehdi Hoss.