The one thing that is lacking in the Cage of Dreams is a sweeper. There are so many leaves on the pitch that we ought to buy a brush. Autumn is here and the conditions are decidedly chilly but the walking football in Alexandra park is heart-warmingly good.

What a difference a week made for the pristine-kitted Charley Farley. Seven days ago he went home with the golden boot after a Dead-Eye-Dick performance and a six-goal tally: this week he couldn’t hit the front of the Anfield Job Centre and he squandered no fewer than ten chances, going home to Bexhill with the Gilded Turd. If he had taken his chances the Wine Gums would have slaughtered the Blue Bellies but, as it was, there was a close-fought game with some outstanding play.

Chairman Phil marshalled his Blues in midfield and scored a couple of beauties past The Cat, who had another great game and kept the Gums in the hunt. His best save, pawing a fizzer over the bar despite diving the wrong way. Oh My Cod! turned on a sixpence to score the best goal of the morning and Medhi (67) took his chances well too.

Some excellent saves kept the score down and when the Blues nosed ahead by three goals it all looked lost. That was until ace defender and local rock of the Nore, Pistol Pete put his not inconsiderable nose into it going forward, scoring four super goals in as many strikes.

The Gums were ahead by one goal when Granite Bob danced through the middle on a rare sortie into the opposition half and fired a long-range effort past Ali in the Blues goal. If truth be told, he probably took one for the team, but Marco van Gasman’s assertion that Bob’s goal didn’t count fell on deaf ears.

At 8- 6 there was no coming back. A very late seventh for the Blues by Scouse Phil just wasn’t enough to earn them the draw they might have deserved. The understanding between OMC and the Iranian Assassin worked well but they couldn’t match the passing core of Enormous Ian and New Hugh, who took a great brace of his own as a result.

Mad Margaret loved every moment of her run-out, and if Ian clocked up 3.8 miles in the cage then she must have covered five before she limped off with a recurrence of her high hamstring. Another super Saturday session with simply scintillating soccer skills being shown.

MOM: Pistol Pete, despite an own goal. Five shots and four goals is a superb return for an overlapping wing back.