The cold May winds roared in off the Steppes tonight but couldn’t cool a red hot night of walking football.

The Cage of Dreams resonated to excited shouts and cheers as three teams battled for glory in the big Spring bank holiday freeze. Top honours went to the Lemons – skippered by Rusty who has a football brain bigger than Hassan’s ego. After a faultless start, with three wins from three games, they were eventually pegged back by the Blueberries who trounced them 2-0 in the penultimate game of the night. They finished with three wins, two draws and a single defeat.

There were suspicions of sorcery after Speedy Steve predicted a three-nothing victory, but The Cat had other ideas and pulled off two cracking saves to keep the score down. But if Big H and him were resting on their laurels after pulling off a string of great saves, then the arrival of Ricky DLTN as the new keeper on the block shocked them to the core. He was virtually unbeatable for the Wine Gums and only conceded two goals all night, pulling off a string of shot stops that rolled back the years. He might not have played for a few years but flung himself around to foil all the regular hotshots, keeping his side in every game they played. The grin on his face was priceless and typifies what our version of the game is all about.

There was little for Gorgeous Georges on the whistle to do, and most people got on with the football with few complaints. Rusty bossed the midfield with Chairman Phil for the Lemons and Bob the Binman did well upfront scoring his goal with aplomb. He could have set the Scouser up with his second of the night, had he squared instead of shot, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
El Jay scored an absolute beauty on his 56th Birthday to win an early game for the Lemons which silenced the vociferous ( look it up) Blueberries. But they had the last laugh with The Cat well beaten twice.

For the Gums, Mad Margaret was tireless and Matty took his two goals very well. The Assassin had a quiet night, by his standards, but played well at the back and Legendary Rog and Mark both turned in solid performances in front of a near-capacity Covid crowd of one bloke and his dog.

Hassan – injured and playing in his protective hiking boots following a near-fatal and much-talked-about-on-Facebook toe injury – had his best game for weeks. Running the show for the Blues game after game.

When Stumpy put on the gloves to give Big H a run-out (primarily to stop him bleeding any more on the hallowed new turf) the crowd expected a thunderbolt or two but were disappointed because there was a touch of the greeds up front and not much passing from the Blues’ two frontmen. Stumps made two good saves to keep his side ahead against the Lemons. Granite Bob was given a great deal of ball by El Jay at the back and – apart from one catastrophic error which let Matty in for his first of the night – hardly put an octogenarian foot wrong.

The moment of the night was a powerful clearance from Big H which hit The Motormouth square on his arse and rebounded to the goal line only to be scooped away at the last second by the keeper, agog at how well-controlled Hassan’s arse’s own goal attempt was.