A low turnout but high on quality in the Cage of Dreams this morning prior to a match tomorrow against Uckfield. NO – NOW CANCELLED.

Gums were Jeremy, Hughie Canoe, Shane, Holy Paul and Chairman Phil. Berries were Ali, Mehdi, Ken the Bass, Puffing Paul, Massive Mark and Bobby.

There were three games, all of them being won by the Berries with the final match proving very close after Bobby swapped blue bib for red and formed the last line of defence in front of Jeremy.

Of the starting line-up for tomorrow (against Uckfield at Horntye k.o. 12.00) NO – NOW CANCELLED only Massive Indestructible Mark (4 goals) was on view. But he is, well, indestructible. Our premium striker-false no. 9 came through unscathed as did all participants. While we don’t grudge Doc Dyer business on his treatment table, we prefer if it isn’t members of our own squad.

Berries skippered by Mark took on Gums led by Chairman Phil (2 goals). We all looked elegant but plaudits go to Ken the Bass for his stylish mustard undershirt while in goal (very calm distribution) and Bobby whose long khaki socks resembled WWI puttees. These were set off by a Help for Heroes sweatshirt. He’s getting ready for Remembrance Sunday.

Your correspondent was solid – actually pretty good. There were two errors – one stemmed from over eagerness to feed the chairman down the centre and the other saw him unwisely give up pole position on the edge of his ‘d’ in a stand-off with Mark.

Puffing Paul was jovial as he huffed and puffed for the Berries, and while he stung Jeremy’s fingers several times, the burly left winger failed to score. He was fed consistently by Mehdi the Assassin who unselfishly remained deep in the string-pulling role. But the Tehran Tyro (67) still found time for jinking forays that netted him three goals.

Spectators? The Cookie Monster (a.k.a. Brian) passed the time with players at the Posh End and the ever-elegant Matty Longshanks appeared grasping a designer coffee. He took some video (there is a link at the bottom of the page) and a quick turn in goal. An interesting somewhat stately blonde walking a labrador paused at the Posh End and briefly distracted Jeremy. She had an hourglass figure but one in which the sand had slipped a bit.

Holy Paul (1 goal) was the bravest man on the pitch. Didn’t Roy Keane say (dismissively to a stupid journalist) last week in an interview re Man. Utd that you can’t teach bravery? Paul is in good physical condition and never usually out of puff. But today he was breathing badly – probably a side effect from his booster jab of a few days ago. He stuck around so as not to deplete the numbers.

The newly svelte chairman showed off his trademark turns and consistently found space amid tight clusters of opponents. Phil features prominently on the video – playing up to the camera.

Shane (a roving commission for the Gums) became our newest signed-up member. Welcome aboard Shane. The Ringmer Raider took time to find his shooting boots but netted two late on.

It’s the precision of the outfielders that always impresses me. Both sides used the flanks with raking passes that were only inches from the fence. Hugh Canoe (2 goals) is particularly adept at this.

The high point of the game was Chairman Phil taking a penalty for the Gums with Ali (Oh My Cod!) in goal. Phil may think his streetwise Liverpool roots have toughened him but don’t ever put yourself up against a Kurd in a game of nerves. The diminutive Galatasaray man refused to be triggered and finally parried away our leader’s down-the-middle effort.

Meanwhile, over in Neath, Touchline Mike was having his Wales trial. We await an update.

MoM: Ali for the sheer pleasure of seeing our chairman denied from the spot. Honourable mention to Jeremy the Ginger Commando Stopper who increasingly resembles a somewhat portly Subbuteo goalkeeper. (The pre-1970 model on the wire stick.)

Matty’s video – https://youtu.be/qlIuKxYR4t0